It's a Quarter After One

It’s a quarter after one. You try to write something on lawyers who can help you get compensated for faulty hip replacement units. You get bored. You are sleepy. You get up from your computer couch. It is saggy and has taken the permanent shape of your ass. You open the fridge. Hide and Seek. ChocoPie. Blah vegetable stuff. Beer – why can’t you have alcohol at home? You settle for a half-full 600ml bottle of soda with pineapple squash. You mix up the concoction. It fizzes and spills. You drop dead on the saggy couch. You sip. It is bad. You sip. You try to write something on lawyers who can help you get compensated for faulty hip replacement units.

The amount of time people waste is amazing. We probably spend more than half our lives just wasting our time. What exactly is wasting our time though? Not doing stuff that you are supposed to do? Supposed to. Why am I even supposed to do something? Why can’t I just do whatever I want to? If I do whatever I want to I would never be wasting my time. If everyone would just do whatever they want to do and not what they are supposed to do then everyone would just be happy. NOT. Of course not. We live in a society after all. Rules and regulations. Social norms. Bah.

Make me a primate and I would live in the jungles. I would swing trees and eat those godforsaken yellow slimey bananas. I would make crazy monkey sounds and pick up fleas from other primates’ bodies. I would eat, pray, love. I would be happier.

But I am happy now. Or not. I’m Zen. I want to get out of the house. I want to go to the beach and just lie down on the sand. Maybe count the stars with Jeff Bridges giving the background score. I don’t want 12745398 calls from my mother asking me to come back home from fear that I would get mugged or raped. I want freedom.

Yes, I want freedom. Nothing more, nothing less. And a mug of nice hot coffee. Lots of sugar, lots of milk.

It’s half past one. You try to write something on lawyers who can help you get compensated for faulty hip replacement units.

We Have Each Other, We Have No One

We Have Each Other, We Have No One

"Darkness falls, away with the sun

We have each other, we have no one.

Hate and greed and lust and sin

A lifetime spent wanting to win.

You don't get me, I don't get you

You hate me, I don't want you.

Highs and lows and peaks and falls

Tired of running into cold, hard walls.

Still I don't stop, continue to run

We have each other, we have no one.

I need you with me all the time

Tell me please, is that a crime?

A hug, a kiss, a friendly smile

But all I get are lemons and lime.

Why do we fight, why do we shout?

Humanity is dying, never-ending drought.

Love and care, a little concern

We have each other, we have no one.

Complain and crib, all the time

Stay shut for a minute, be a mime.

Questions and problems, doubts and queries

Swiftly and silently, time flies.

Think, consider, be the answer

Live strong, kill the cancer.

What's happened has happened, what's done is done

We have each other we have no one."

The Best Christmas Movies Ever List OR WHAT A WEIRDO THIS CHILD WAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS lonely hearts! Lonely hearts? Of course you are. People with a life don't read blogs. OK OK, I'm allowed my share of leg pulling. YOU are awesome because you are giving my blog its much needed views. Also, we are in the midst of the awesome festival of Christmas. Though if you are an Inuit, Christmas is still very much happening as it will continue to for the rest of your cold cold life.

So on this happy occasion I will give you all a present! "The Best Christmas Movies Ever List". I will try to keep the stupidity to a minimum, as a dear friend pointed out yesterday that my blog was more stupid than funny. 

On with the Christmas-y movies.

1.) Let us start with the most kid-friendly Christmas movie of all time – HOME ALONE. What more do you want than to be alone at home during Christmas time? I mean you have the whole damn house to yourself. The possibilities are endless, that is if you have an imagination. I for once would love to take his place. I saw the movie when I was around the same age as the kid and it kinda clicked with me. Till this day I love this flick. The sequels were kinda lame though, but I guess you can’t possible top something so awesome. Only Christopher Nolan can. Getting back to the Christmas theme. It had all of the Christmas-y elements that are required of a good Christmas movie. Like the love for family and friends, giving and receiving, bad guys getting screwed, blah blah and blah blah. Watch this epic movie again and again.

2.) Next on is another goody good Christmas movie – THE POLAR EXPRESS. One thing I have learnt is that when you add Tom Hanks to movies you get an automatic awesome result and The Polar Express is another example. I saw this flick in my pre-teen years and loved the somewhat advanced animation. I’ve always loved trains, and marrying these locomotives to Christmas was a great idea. This is another classic movie about not letting go of your inner child cos only children have unwavering faith in stuff that adults would not give a second thought too. I believe that I've understood the moral of this modern Christmas tale and remain a believer in all things awesome and magical. Also it is actually a journey to the North Pole to meet Santa Goddamn Clause! How awesome is that?

3.) What comes into your mind when I say Christmas? Presents, Santa, snow and of course the bloody Grinch! How can you forget that green slimy oddball of a character? HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS has had many variants over the years but perhaps the best was the 2003 version with none other than Jim Carrey as the Grinch. Jimmy Carrey would probably be in the comic version of The Expendables. He is that funny. And here he is dressed in green again (read – The Mask), trying to steal Christmas. Do not give this delightful movie a miss if you are a fan of Dr. Seuss, Jim Carrey or Christmas. There, if you are none of the above you have to be the real Grinch.

4.) I particularly loved the movie JINGLE ALL THE WAY. This is one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s rare “I’m not just a beefy guy with no brains” movies. The plot basically revolves around two rival guys, who happen to be fathers who love their children. And they just had to get this stupid Turbo-Man action figure for their kids and guess what? There is only one piece left in the whole damn city. I know it is predictable. But there’s something about a father going all out to get something that his kid desires that feels great. Guess it has to be because of my daddy issues. Getting back to the story, this film is a great family film and parents are warned as their kids are definitely gonna crib for better presents after watching it.

5.) Before Jon Favreau gained fame because of his super awesome Iron Man series (also checkout the trailer for “Cowboys and Aliens”), he made a simple Christmas movie called ELF. The basic story is of a human guy who’s been raised among Santa’s elves as one of them. By elves I don’t mean those shiny beautiful kinds from Lord Of The Rings nor the ugly miserable ones from Harry Potter, but the little happy ones that Santa Claus has. They according to legends make the Christmas presents for every child all year around for Santa to deliver. Believe this if you are a stupid kid. But yeah, the movie has Will Ferrell which automatically makes it a must watch. And it has to the oh so beautiful Zooey Deschannel. I love her to bits. Watch this sweet and hilarious Christmas movie with the people you love. Or watch it alone. I don’t care.

6.) GREMLINS. The word gives me shivers. I saw this unbelievable movie when I was around six years old and it left this scar on me. I was shit scared by the awesomeness that the movie was. It is described as a “horror-comedy”, but there was nothing absolutely funny about this movie. A little town is terrorized by these little furry monsters who somehow can duplicate themselves. And they feed on humans. They look exactly like the kind of stupid animals that almost all girls adore. Wait till they chew your fingers of you stupid girl. The monsters were called Mogwais and they were scary then when I saw it as a kid and scary now when I think about it. As a principle I don’t really watch horror movies but you don’t wanna miss this one. Watch with your family and all of your friends. Or watch it alone and get a heart-attack you fool.

7.) BAD SANTA is one of those Christmas movies that you have to watch at all costs but not with your family, unless you have a cool family. The Coen brothers (read – True Grit) produced it so you can be sure that it is a masterpiece. Billy Bob Thornton stars as a conman who dresses up as Santa Claus, along with little guy Tony Cox (read – black frigging midget) who dresses up as Santa’s lil elf. These two retards steal from malls and make good money but Billy is the opposite of Santa and is an alcoholic with no aim in life. The rest of the story is how he gets stuck to this real fat kid who is an even bigger retard and nails super hotty Lauren Graham. This is the number two Christmas movie on my list. Do not miss this awesome dark-comedy for anything.

8.) Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! And now we get to the big daddy of all Christmas movies and my personal favorite – DIE HARD! This movie unlike the others in the list makes Christmas just a premise and Bruce Willis a walking-talking human-tank. He’s your average drunk, divorced (or separated, I forget), asshole of a NYPD cop with one hell of an attitude. If I was half the man that he was my life would be made. It has also got Alan Rickman (read – Severus Snape, Harry Potter fanboys) who is one hell of an actor. He actually makes you hate him somehow. All through the movie he does awesome stuff that includes killing a building full of terrorists, saving all the hostages, recovering stolen stuff and all kinds of baddassery. There are all kinds of awesome action sequences, multiple quotable quotes and it basically will teach you how to be the ultimate alpha male. This is one of the best movies made ever and missing this is actually a crime with a jail term of more than a gazillion years. GO. WATCH IT. NOW.

9.) BONUS MOVIE. I recently came across the reviw for a new Christmas movie called RARE EXPORTS. It has been a long time since I read a good review and an even better trailer. The story is quite simple. These guys dig up (yes they DIG UP) Santa Claus somewhere in godforsaken Finland and he goes on a very violent rampage along with his naked elves (yes I said naked elves) with a mad thirst for dead children. Sounds awesome? Thought so. This comes as far from a Christmas movie than ever. Though there is a catch as always. It is in Finnish and it has not released in India yet. I’m afraid we’ll have to wait for a long time for the movie but it will be worth it. Santa eating children. What more do I want for Christmas?!

And with this brings us to the end. Of course you didn’t love it but still appreciate it you numbnuts, its Christmas time after all. Wish you all a very merry Christmas and a joyous New Year.

Time to bid Santa farewell.

Harry Potter and The Hat of Indy OR WHY OH WHY

What happens when I'm bored at work.

With those stupid glasses that he hadn't replaced in years, Harry Potter looked very much like his 11 year old self. But of course there were a few additions like a beer belly (yes, butterbeer does make you fat), a beard to rival Dumblewhore's and the stink of a cheap brewery. He hardly had any clothes on. So the tattered remains of what once was his invisibility cloak was all he had. And that idiotic hat of Griffindor. But it gave him company as that hat was about the only thing that would talk to Harry.

Harry : "Parky morning ain't it?" Harry sought the hat's approval on every trivial matter.

Hat : "I'm gobsmacked at your idiocy. Keep your pecker up. It's midnight you prat."

Harry : "Well I'll be dammed. I'm a little squiffy."

Hat : "A little? Sweet Helga Hufflepuff. You are on wacky backy."

Harry :"It's chilly hatty. Me need me rum."

Hat : "Did you just shift your lingo from British to Pirate?"

Harry : "I guess. The same way you shifted to Human from Hat".

Hat : "Aah well, I'm as British as Simon Cowell."

Harry "Anyways pirate is way cooler. I feel like putting you on and acting like Jack Sparrow."

Hat : "Arrrr"

Harry : "Arrrrrrrr"

Hat : "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Harry : "Blimey. I am out of Arrrs.", said Harry quitting this comepetition of Arrrrs as he quit everything life.

Harry Potter had been left by his wife Guinea Pig Weasley and his various stupidly named children as he had been out of work for five long years. Now that there were no dark wizards around Harry had nothing to do as he had realized that making stupid mistakes that result in someone dying and somehow hiding under the skirts of greater man (the word's of the late Voldy Mouldy) does not really work in the real world.

With no real skills to speak of and an ugly face Harry had no where to go. Guinea Pig got the house and the House Elf and the broom and the little Monopoly money they had in the divorce. Harry got the kids as Guinea didn't want them but he gave them to Hagrid as he was hungry and he owed him.

Some years back he had nicked the stupid hat from Indiana Jones. And Indy was angry and tracking Harry because he loved the hat very hard.

While the hat and the fat Harry were having there Arrrrr contest there was a blast and...

"WHIP"

Harry : "Old Man Indy!"

A very beat up and old Indiana Jones with crutches on : "Hairy Harry Potter!"

Harry : "Indiana Jones. I always knew some day you’d come walking back through my door."

Indy : "What door? This is a bus stop."

Harry : "You’re not the man I knew ten years ago."

Indy : "It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage. I have come back for my hat."

Harry : "Its not yours, its Groggy Griffindor's."

Indi : "And before that it was mine. That Prince Charming stole it from me, then I stole it back from him and then you stole it from me. Frigging Griffindors."

Harry : "I don't trust you."

Indy : "I swear on God."

Harry : "You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together, I’ve got nothing better to do."

Indy : "Oh my God. Oh my God, is he nuts?"

Hat : "He not nuts, he crazy!"

Harry : "Ar, ī stanas, chāsa, spak kastú! Orrē eisnais, ēhī, pabr ītnais! Hút for hívulo, i? Hút for Slǐstrikti hívulo? Orrē aswafanais, paifā! Dy hí fú, bes lālú, mespārú tso hāsla? Pēlos, au, pēlos.."

Indy and Hat : "What the ..?"

Harry : Oh bummer. I though switching to Parseltongue would be fun."

Indy : "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"

Harry : "Would you prefer pirate? Savvy?"

Indy : "Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist."

Harry : "Well I'm a magician then. Look at my might wand!"

Hat : *clears throat* Señor you haven't used your wand in years."

Harry : "I know its rusty but its the only thing that is strong enough to pierce thorough Indy's man-junk."

Indy : "Fine then. We duel on three."

Hat : "One."

Hat : "Two."

Hat : "Two and a half."

CHARLIE SHEEN (Special Appearance) : "Men men men men, manly men men men!"

Harry : "Okey-Dokey, Doctor Jones! Hold on to your potato."

Hat : "Three!"

Indy : "WHIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Harry : "Expelliarmus!" (yeah, he still uses it.)

*KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To know what happens next go ask J.K Rowling.

I gotta get back to work.