Sometimes I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. Other times I wonder if I'm being too lax with what I'm doing. I'd like to be able to peer into the minds of every human being, draw a statistical chart and analyse if this conflicting predicament is part and parcel of our entire race, completely unrelated to circumstances and actions and personalities, or if it is just an inescapable human condition.
Couple of years back I'd say that girls whine all the time. I still say the same but the fuck up is that so do I. Does that make me a girl? Are men like this? Well yes, I've heard men whine all the time, all my life too. What is this? What are we whining about? Why do people associate whining with women? I guess only cruel little boys think like that, I wish we'd all grow up and be a little more forgiving to everyone including ourselves.
I don't mean to disappoint the girl I am with. So does my disappointing her make it an accidental situation or a premeditated action. I don't understand. Are people forgiven when they do something they shouldn't by accident? I am a final year law student and I can't answer that fully. Did me becoming a law student help my conscience or am I just corrupting myself every passing day as a part of this leech-profession? Can I really suck off the blood of a party knowing full-well I'm representing the wrong guys? The answer is probably yes, I don't support the party I'm representing in the case I am assisting my Senior with. Yet, I write counter arguments against all logic.
Some days are just negative. Even my apologies sound mean. My phone calls are deemed to be opportunities to yell. It's not like that, how do I even explain when I hate explaining sometimes. Do we have the personal choice to stop explaining ourselves even around our loved ones? What if every word of explanation we utter pushes us further down the ditch we have been stuck in since years?
Should I surround myself around empaths? Make an empath society? Will our empath society collapse because of our hyper-sensitivity and inability to bottle up our emotions? Mass grieving followed by a slow, depressing death. Am I even an empath? Is there such a thing? Can I go to a doctor and be examined for this condition? Maybe a psychologist. My mother is a Social Counsellor and she's told me I'm hyper-sensitive. So...
Where am I going with this? I have zero direction in my life. If I had a compass that pointed at the direction I'd want to go to it would point to freedom. Does such a place exist? Do people without a life-plan reach anywhere? Do they even want to? Why should I seek an El Dorado/ Shangri-la when mostly wherever you're in the world it is a bountiful place to be alive in. It's a marvel just to be alive.
I was never encouraged to ask questions as a child by my father. Can I really blame him when he himself was lost? We created a God because even out parents didn't have all the answers, those poor grown-up children. We believed in fabricated truths to make living easier, bearable, less confusing.
Why must we find meaning in everything? I just want to make my girl feel better. I don't mean to be contradictory.