What happens when I'm bored at work.
With those stupid glasses that he hadn't replaced in years, Harry Potter looked very much like his 11 year old self. But of course there were a few additions like a beer belly (yes, butterbeer does make you fat), a beard to rival Dumblewhore's and the stink of a cheap brewery. He hardly had any clothes on. So the tattered remains of what once was his invisibility cloak was all he had. And that idiotic hat of Griffindor. But it gave him company as that hat was about the only thing that would talk to Harry.
Harry : "Parky morning ain't it?" Harry sought the hat's approval on every trivial matter.
Hat : "I'm gobsmacked at your idiocy. Keep your pecker up. It's midnight you prat."
Harry : "Well I'll be dammed. I'm a little squiffy."
Hat : "A little? Sweet Helga Hufflepuff. You are on wacky backy."
Harry :"It's chilly hatty. Me need me rum."
Hat : "Did you just shift your lingo from British to Pirate?"
Harry : "I guess. The same way you shifted to Human from Hat".
Hat : "Aah well, I'm as British as Simon Cowell."
Harry "Anyways pirate is way cooler. I feel like putting you on and acting like Jack Sparrow."
Harry : "Arrrrrrrr"
Hat : "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Harry : "Blimey. I am out of Arrrs.", said Harry quitting this comepetition of Arrrrs as he quit everything life.
Harry Potter had been left by his wife Guinea Pig Weasley and his various stupidly named children as he had been out of work for five long years. Now that there were no dark wizards around Harry had nothing to do as he had realized that making stupid mistakes that result in someone dying and somehow hiding under the skirts of greater man (the word's of the late Voldy Mouldy) does not really work in the real world.
With no real skills to speak of and an ugly face Harry had no where to go. Guinea Pig got the house and the House Elf and the broom and the little Monopoly money they had in the divorce. Harry got the kids as Guinea didn't want them but he gave them to Hagrid as he was hungry and he owed him.
Some years back he had nicked the stupid hat from Indiana Jones. And Indy was angry and tracking Harry because he loved the hat very hard.
While the hat and the fat Harry were having there Arrrrr contest there was a blast and...
Harry : "Old Man Indy!"
A very beat up and old Indiana Jones with crutches on : "Hairy Harry Potter!"
Harry : "Indiana Jones. I always knew some day you’d come walking back through my door."
Indy : "What door? This is a bus stop."
Harry : "You’re not the man I knew ten years ago."
Indy : "It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage. I have come back for my hat."
Harry : "Its not yours, its Groggy Griffindor's."
Indi : "And before that it was mine. That Prince Charming stole it from me, then I stole it back from him and then you stole it from me. Frigging Griffindors."
Harry : "I don't trust you."
Indy : "I swear on God."
Harry : "You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together, I’ve got nothing better to do."
Indy : "Oh my God. Oh my God, is he nuts?"
Hat : "He not nuts, he crazy!"
Harry : "Ar, ī stanas, chāsa, spak kastú! Orrē eisnais, ēhī, pabr ītnais! Hút for hívulo, i? Hút for Slǐstrikti hívulo? Orrē aswafanais, paifā! Dy hí fú, bes lālú, mespārú tso hāsla? Pēlos, au, pēlos.."
Indy and Hat : "What the ..?"
Harry : Oh bummer. I though switching to Parseltongue would be fun."
Indy : "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
Harry : "Would you prefer pirate? Savvy?"
Indy : "Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist."
Harry : "Well I'm a magician then. Look at my might wand!"
Hat : *clears throat* Señor you haven't used your wand in years."
Harry : "I know its rusty but its the only thing that is strong enough to pierce thorough Indy's man-junk."
Indy : "Fine then. We duel on three."
Hat : "One."
Hat : "Two."
Hat : "Two and a half."
CHARLIE SHEEN (Special Appearance) : "Men men men men, manly men men men!"
Harry : "Okey-Dokey, Doctor Jones! Hold on to your potato."
Hat : "Three!"
Indy : "WHIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
Harry : "Expelliarmus!" (yeah, he still uses it.)
To know what happens next go ask J.K Rowling.
I gotta get back to work.