Thursday, June 9, 2011

Sun's Up, World's Dark

The world is so twisted
You wake up at 12 o’ clock in the afternoon. You roll down from the top bunk of your two-storey bed. You pee and feel free while trying to concentrate to aim right.

You go to the kitchen, try to find some food. You find breakfast thoughtfully left by your mom for you. You ignore it.
You don’t like the fact that anyone wants to be nice to you. It makes your insides hollow.
A void.
You open the fridge. You take out the Appy Fizz bottle. You drink. You burp. You don’t like the taste. You take another swig.

You turn on the computer. Go online. Check if there is an update. An update to your status. The status of your admission in the college you want to go to. Or the college you think you want to go to.
No updates. You sigh.

You log into Facebook. You check useless updates made by useless people. You reply to dumbfuck queries made by dumbfucks. Jobless people try to talk to you. You try to evade. Attempt unsuccessful. You succumb to their demands. You reply. You’re sarcastic. Dry. They don’t get it. You ask the thin air for the umpteenth time, what the fuck is wrong with the world.
The thin air asks back, what the fuck is wrong with you.

You log out. You sit online for a couple of hours. And when you look back, you can’t recall what exactly you did in those two hours. You’re confused. Zombied.

All this time you ignore your brother. He’s in the background. He’s the songs that play at malls in the background. The songs you don’t register. He’s the conductor’s voice in a subway. The voice you can’t make out. His presence is not acknowledged by you. You’re evil.

Your mother comes back from work. Tries to fix you some food. You give in. Rather your hunger does. You eat. A little. She tries to talk. You go deaf. You’re a zombie remember.

You try to watch the television. You’re amazed at how idiotic the box really is. You put on a news channel. It takes you half an hour to realize that you have not been provided by any news of note. You channel surf. You quit.

You get on your bed. Doze off.

You wake up to vibrations. It’s your phone. So many missed calls. So many texts. You don’t care to check.
You get up. It’s the evening.  You walk around. You want to kill. Maybe. Destroy. Kill. And then some more. You’re expressionless.

You notice your father is back home. Another zombie. Root of all the problems. Or so you like to think. You nod at him, he nods back.

You stare at the mirror. That liar. You haven’t shaved in a week. Your hair is perpetually messed. Your white shirt is not so white. You ask the mirror if you’ve been wearing your clothes for a long time. The mirror just stares back. You walk away.

You pick up the phone. A few names jump in your head. Should you call? You put the phone down. Opening your mouth to speak seems a mighty task. Thinking of words to say seems Herculean.

You think of how things could have been. How they were meant to be. What’s gonna happen next. You stop thinking.

You're thinking about some girl.. Stop. It's irritating.
The wall in between has to stand. Opposite sides.

You spend the next few hours watching movies on your laptop, eating this and that and just being a soulless corpse. You hear the birds chirp or whatever sound that is. You look out of your room.

The sun’s come up. But your world is dark.

It’s time to sleep.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Let Me Decay.

Let Me Decay.
One month, two months, three months, four, five
Actually it's four, but five sounds just right.
When was the last time you picked up the phone
Only to throw it at your dog, that bone.

Countless tries, to forget your soft voice
It's all a lie, I never tried.
What's tragic is you believed my lies
Poker face outside, inside I died.

That month of the year, still frozen in time
Haunts my dreams, keeps me awake nights.
I pray for time to speed by, make it fly 
Or go back to that damn January, again try.

Try to hold on to something that slipped
Away from my fingers, left me in a ditch.
How did I push you away, I wonder why
I'm dying to do something, exit this standby. 

I closed the door on you a while ago
So why is it still so hard for me to let you go.
You've found new love though, I see he's tall
I've heard he's chivalrous, plays basketball.

Seems like you left and I begged you to stay
But wasn't it I who pushed you away.
Ain't I supposed to love being free, celebrate
But fuck what's supposed to be, let me decay.


Friday, March 25, 2011

The Son's Journey

Something for a friend who lost his father.

The Son's Journey

Broken, bruised, battered and beaten
Birth, living, loving and leaving.
We come alone and leave the same
Leaving a mark, the one true aim.
A long unfulfilled life?
Or a short satisfying one?
Cuts like a knife
What's done is done.

Alone, lonely, without a soul
Got voids in you, you ain't now whole.
The gaps will fill, all in good time
But will leave scars, will serve as hymns.
I feel your loss
I feel the pain.
Damp soil grows moss
Love will prevail.

Morose, disturbed, lost and unsure
Escaped inside, have shut the door.
You locked the door, the key's with you
Don't be alone, you don't have to.
Family, friends, acquaintances
A handshake, a hug, a friendly kiss.
The pain is fresh, it hurts like hell
Inside you curse, question and yell.

All you need to do is to be strong
Its not your fault, you are not wrong.
The ship has sunk, Captain went down
You are all quiet, won't make a sound.
Cry out, shout, retaliate
Come back before its too damn late.
All's not over, its just begun
The son's journey, without the old one.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Highlights

Greetings programs.

A few hours back I was in possibly the best motivational meeting ever. Like for real. This woman made me realize what I had done to myself and made me look at me from her eyes.

I can see clearly now.

I fell back one year. I questioned my abilities, nature and intelligence. I doubted myself. People saw me fall down.

What I should have blamed was the lack of hard-work and lady luck. I tried to but at the end of the day you just curse yourself for fucking up so bad. You are your criminal at night. 

Not a complete waste of year. Not at all. How you ask?

Met a motivational woman who made me recount my year. Asked me to make a list of memorable stuff I've done over the year.
She said it would help therapeutically.


The Highlights

* I worked as a Content Writer in a  firm for 5 months. Earned a little less than half a lakh. 

* The job gave me an idea of real corporate life and how to deal with your seniors. I'm smarter business-wise now. 

* I will be done with my Diploma in Creative Writing in two months. 

* I got published in the newspaper. In a national daily. A poem. 

* I actually hit the gym for 2 months. Didn't help much physically but helped me know my potential. 10 km on the treadmill in an hour everyday was no joke. 

* I ran in an actual marathon and finished in the top 10.

* I travelled without any supervision for the first time (child). Had the time of my life. 

* I did some self-assessment that I believe helped me in anger management. A little.

* I made a little part of myself in the online world - my blog. 

* I had the most awesome New Year's night ever. We all need one. 

* I learnt horse-riding. If all cars die and I have to get somewhere I will be able to manoeuvre a horse to get places. 

* I read some brilliant books, saw good cinema and addictive TV shows. Discovered some great music. 

* I won a BlackBerry. I actually won something expensive. That bloody rocks.

* I've been growing my hair since the past six months. Laugh. 

* I made friends with some amazing people this past year. The kind that stay with your for life. I hope. 

* I was in a beautiful relationship for a better part of the year. Even after it ended it still didn't somehow. But now it's time to close the door on that. Goodbye.

* I have no regrets now. Almost. I've accepted the fact that everything that happened, happened for good.

PS - In retrospect this looks stupid.